Sunday, June 15, 2014

A Hypothetical Question

I have a hypothetical question.

Where is the best, most discrete place to drop one in a supermarket?

You do know what I mean don't you? Pass wind. Bottom burp. Play the butt trumpet. Cut the cheese. Fire a stink torpedo. Elevate to Gas Master status. Conduct a methane gas experiment. Pop a fluffy. Shoot the cannon.

I was left to ponder this question yesterday when I popped into the local Coles to pick up a couple of things.

The obvious answer is in an empty aisle where you can make a quick get-away. But what if that aisle is the fresh bread aisle? It's one of life's little pleasures to be able to inhale the deliciously fragrant aroma of warm bread. Letting one rip there is really a crime against humanity. Especially if you go into that aisle specifically just to breathe deeply and reminisce.

That warm yeasty aroma always makes me nostalgic. It takes me back to the days when there used to be a big bakery not far from our school, on our route home from softball practice. We'd have gone straight from school to practice and by the time we were finished we were always starving. And the scent of the baking bread would waft over the park. We would be drawn to it like bees to honey or Mickey Mouse to the delicious smell of baking.

I would never be brave enough to ask. But that's what bigger sisters are for. And she was brave enough to ask even after our Mum had banned us from begging for bread again. But when Mum found a still-warm loaf hidden under the bed the gig was up for ever. My Mum had, and still has, the nose of a bloodhound.

So in my quest to relive the good old days, I managed to inhale something that surely could not have come from a human. And my reaction was a little like this monkey's - but without actually falling down in the aisle. I also may have gagged a little - so glad I still carry the airline vomit bag in my purse.

I totally understand that flatulence can be hard to contain at times. Sometimes all it takes is a hug from a family member to help it on its way. Or a sudden cough or sneeze. But assuming one had just enough control over the situation, there would be way better aisles to play a sphincter song. Like the seafood aisle. It always smells a bit funky. Or the deli where they keep all the stinky cheeses. Or even in the cleaning products aisle - they're bound to have air freshener in there that needs testing.

Any other ideas?


  1. Hahah....I read this in the comforts of my computer room sanctuary, where I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want (ahem). I'm not one to ask ;).

  2. The bread aisle???? That is just wrong.

  3. In the fresh bread aisle?? That should be a crime.

    At least you still have fresh warm bread in your local supermarket...I guess. (We have given up and now turn to our trusty bread machine, the best wedding present on earth.)

  4. You drop it next to the protein bars/supplements. Any bodybuilder worth his salt knows that one of his/her protein laced farts is way more offensive than that of someone who runs!

  5. Isolation isn't the way to go. You have to get into a close crowd of 3 or more people ... pull the pin ... wait ... then at the appropriate time cast a disparaging look at the others like, "How rude!" ... and then walk away. Don't ever do this with only one other person, that's a recipe for disaster.

    1. Sure for the boys, but 3 ladies and bark??? Not Happening ……. Cheers

  6. Fortunately I go grocery shopping so rarely this isn't something I have to contend with! But I'm more of an open space kinda person!

  7. Oh my. Yeah the bread aisle is definitely not the place.

  8. HaHa - i hate when I'm in an aisle that someone has vacated for that very reason - I try to move along quickly and hope that people don't assume I'm the stinker!!!

  9. I'm with Jim, always make sure there are 2 more people :) How bout the isle where they keep the toilet refresheners? You can spray it immediately saying you want to know how it smells :)

    But what if the store is so big you can't hold it till that isle? What to do? Decisions, decisions :)


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